Sunday, December 25, 2011

What Was That?

Uncle S (holding a small bottle): "Tracey, I want you to take this home tonight."
Me: "OK, what is it?"
Uncle S: "Love Oil."
Me (not sure what to say....this is very wierd): "Um..., did you say Love Oil?"
Uncle S (looking at me strangley): "No, Glove Oil - for L's new baseball glove."
Me: "Oh" turning bright red as I bolt from the very awkward situation.

I can pretty much guarantee this will be talked about at every future Christmas dinner.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Drunk Santa

I put together an activity for my Girl Scout troop. It was a game that involved matching the native name for Santa Clause from various countries. As I wanted to jazz it up, I put a picture of Santa on the paper. Imagine my horror as I handed the papers out to the girls when I realized the picture of Santa I had chosen was actually a picture of a drunk Santa holding a beer. Yes, I will be winning the Troop Leader of the Year award.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

What not to do at Christmas

The other day, I received in the mail a large box from my father. My dad had warned me it was coming and to go ahead and open it. So I did. What was inside? A box full of old Christmas crap. My dad and his wife are planning to move to a new state soon and I imagine he was "cleaning" out and thought I might be interested in this detritus from the past. While this was annoying (because now I had to wade through it and throw most of it out), what was most upsetting was that he returned the etched in pewter "baby and grandpa" first Christmas ornaments. What?! Who does that?! If you aren't interested in them, at least have the decency to hide them in a shoe box in your closet so when you die we can think that you loved the grandkids soooo much you couldn't bear to part with their ornaments!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Bat Cave

When I was a junior in college, I lived in the basement of an old three story building. It was creaky, dark and damp. It really didn't have any redeeming qualities except that it was cheap and had a washing machine in the adjoining building. As part of the retro-fitting to make the basement livable, they had put in a drop ceiling to cover all the ugly pipping. Late one night I woke up to the sound of a "thump!" I bolted up, but being nearly blind without my glasses, I couldn't see much. Then, all of sudden, I caught a quick, blurry movement from the window well. As I was tired and my mind was still waking up, my first thought was "that is the blackest mouse I have ever seen. I didn't realize they came in that color." It didn't really faze me and I was about to go back to sleep when it took flight! I screamed and dove under the covers. The mouse/bat started circling the room.

Since I was living alone at the time, I had barricaded myself in my room to keep out potential burglers. Instead, I had managed to trap myself in my room with a bat. (of which I was sure was rabid). Thinking relatively quickly (after I got tired of screaming and realized I was on my own to solve this issue), I covered my head with my comforter and inched my way to the door. With shaking hands, I finally got the door open. Amazingly, I found the phone and somehow called the landlord - all while under the blanket. It was about four in the morning, but I felt it completely within my rights to insist that he come over RIGHT NOW and take care of this situation. He must have been in bed, because I could hear his wife in the background taking my side, despite the fact he really saw no point in driving over. Yay for wives, because he finally showed up. Unfortunately it was a very sad end for the bat. We deduced that the bat had fallen into an open pipe and slide down to the drop ceiling. From there, it fell into the window well and my room. After seeing the bat's misfortune, I decided I was going to handle the situation from now on. I learned that if you wait until daylight, they are pretty easy to trap (and then set free). This was a good tip, because after bat #1, several more made their way into my room. It was not at all uncommon or unexpected to wake up and see one circling my bed. I decided to embrace the situation and renamed the apartment "Bat Cave."

Sunday, December 11, 2011

You Know it's Christmas...

when you see Santa driving down the highway in his reindeer chevette.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Speed

Why is the phrase "slow & steady"? Why can't it be "fast and steady"?! I would much rather have that!

UPDATED (per my mother's suggestion): "fast, steady, and done right!"